Thursday, 26 July 2012

Guest Writer - Lauren Charles

PIP, vanity or plain insanity?

In 2008, I won the ‘savings’ race and got to collect my new enhanced face (.)(.)

4 years of joy and the odd groping by boys. I undeniably liked my new toys.
Despite the rumours, a snob I’m not. I was happy with what I got.
But then that BBC3 programme made PIP implants look proper ROT!

So mattress silicone, what’s the big deal?
Nothing I guess, unless you listen to the spiel.
Toxic, poison, savage, knots. Cancer, well yeah that’s the ultimate plot!
Truth or dare? I have no care for middle aged mums who enjoy spreading scare.
Nor could I ignore reason and rhyme that told me something should be done about mine.

Ah but, surely you won’t have to pay again? 
The faults not with you, it’s with them!
And maybe if I wanted to chase Mr Ace, with his fat suitcase and undoubtedly plastic face,
I’d eventually find him and get to plead my case.
Go for 1001 scans, cry to the insensitive man and get a tiny discount in a can.
But begging?! Nah, I’m really not a fan.

So, another 4k I’ve spent to expend the toxic silicone tents.

I went back under the knife, hoping “God” would keep me alive.
It probably would have been cheaper to buy a life vest,
Sail to the West and live alone putting the chemicals to the test.

When I woke up the offenders were lying next to me, round and plump, but headed for the DUMP!
Now I’m poison free, but what a boring place to be.
Hooked on antibiotics and the settee, watching shit daytime TV.
Every minute, anxious fingers check the state of affairs- yes the stitches are still there.
And no I don’t yet need intensive care.
Same old story, but different score, either way my stitches feel red RAW!
The receptionist has become my summer fling, ringing daily- insisting I check in!
“No bleeding, nausea, shortness of breath? You must let me know or you’ll be in danger of death!”

In 2012, I lost the ‘savings’ race and got to collect my new enhanced face (.)(.)

Commuting in London

Commuting in London is a crazy affair
but when you think about it, it is actually hilare,
Because although you could get a mortgage for the price of your fair
all the jokes are priceless if you start to become aware.


I'm so fucking tired I've got coffee up my nose
I'm so fucking gutted this is not the career I chose
I'ts so fucking crowded, I will stand on your toes and,
no, my body odour does not smell like a rose
You can hear my music and I can read your book,
I dont want to see your messages, but I cant help but look
Your ponytail's so close to me I could use it as a hook!
...and my stomach starts to rumble as we all just slowly cook

Stampeded is the price to pay for getting to work on time and I notice that all the shoes are shiner than mine,
I don't own a stain free shirt and certainly not a tie

I think i'll retap my oyster onto the unemployment line

Fat Song

When im dressing its most depressing,
all I wanna do is see past my boobs,
I haven’t seen my feet in years,
I have to fight back the tears,
My tears of lard,

Being a victim is hard.

Jam rolls bread rolls fig rolls cheese rolls
sausage rolls ham rolls make my rolls my rolls
And my rolls, they just wont budge, and these stupid health freaks say i cant eat fudge or
Chocolate dark chocolate milk chocolate and toffee
Don’t tell me that i cant put sugar in my coffee
What not even milk? come on thats just unfair
I’ll just put extra cream on my chocolate ├ęclair

You’re killing yourself in the words of the GP
Oh yeah thats right its all down to me?!
Ive told you before it’s hereditary,
plus ive got big bones, and weird hormones

its not my fault, im definitely prone
to acquiring cushioning on my hip bones
I even drip fat from my erogenous zones

so it’s NOT a choice and a don’t have a voice,
im sick and tired of being labelled as a being greedy
But that isn’t true and im definitely not needy

Im very tired from my walk round the shop
Can I get a lift home please from the bus stop?
Pushing that trolley for nearly a whole hour
My muscles are all fat, i just don’t have the power

Can you also pass me the remote to the tv?
Jeremy Kyle's on at ten and they're MUCH fatter than me

Can you also give me a hand up out of this chair?
I forgot to put the cream on my chocolate eclair.
So no, im not needy, i get by just fine
And theres more to life than a person’s waist line

A drain on the economy? How dare you say that?!
Ive got enough to deal with, im already fucking FAT!

I pay my taxes, I pay for taxies,
I buy enough twixes and other sugar fixes
to fund a whole nation,
with room for inflation,
and not inflation of me,
although inevitably,
because I can't lose weight
and as much as I HATE the world around me
nothing’s going to change
and they say im deranged
and ive got rabies and mange
and I stink and im lazy
and I’d probably eat the daisies
 if I could just bend over to pick one....being fat is not fun

But at least im jolly, yeah big personality,
isn’t that what they say?
Its kind of like being gay,
you compensate in other ways.

So don’t pick on the minorities
what counts is whats inside of me...
What? Heart disease and diabetes?
General fatigue and clogged arterties?

No don’t give me that, the doctors chatting shit!
They just don’t understand that i just cant help it
I like chip sandwiches with cheese melted
Its up to me if i don’t want to shit

But no I like being fat and I am who I am
Maybe you should try it, have you ever tried spam?
Pork pies are good too, probably too good for you
You stuck up skinny bitch, I bet you never get a stitch


2000 words can't be heard
not on paper not on word
you cant do yours,
I cant do mine
consider doing anything
to buy more time.
The intention was there,
right from the start,
to start this one early
and get a good mark.
Open a textbook,
where do I start?
what does that word mean?
I should have done art.
But I am doing art,
the art of what?
- an addictive sport.
Tidied up the garden,
hoovering the stairs
rearranging posters,
dying my hair,
Anything and everything,
except the assignments
this room is a playground
for solitary confinement.
Staring at a screen for 13 hours a day,
read one sentence then navigate away...
away from the work,
just one quick look!
on what?
yeah, you guessed it,
the curse of Facebook

The Akward Pervert with the Desperate Smile

The akward pervert with the desperate smile,
a bad dated haircut and no sense of style,
prolonged eye contact will make you want to run a mile,
lay face down on your bed, and simply weep for a while.

he isnt very subtle and hes always after friends,
he's got a well located flat where you can come and spend
lots of time listening to his really shit cds,
he'll take your off coat for you and brew you a cup of tea.

You know he gets nervous when you say youre going to leave,
and his smile slowly fades into an expression of unease.
He asks you what you're doing for the next day and the next
and you make up an excuse about your dog and the vet
and when you close the door and he stands there feeling vexed,
he punches the wall cos all he really wants is sex.

A thirty two year old virgin, he's only ever wanked,
when he finally pops his cherry heaven will receive his thanks
but with a shiny red demeanor and a face that says he's eager
and the desire to pull a teacher like a ravenous creature
who would simply squirt a litre, all over her neatest features,
when she goes to touch his t-shirt is repulsive like disease is!

So upon the disapointment displayed behind his glasses,
he scans the room to check out any other attractive arses
that are visually impaired from their amount of intoxication,
and the scene is looking good but he's getting no good vibrations
he approaches one girl in the middle of some blokes,
and she tells him to fuck off with a well-timed joke,
unluckily for him, he doesn't have a sense of humour
and his lingering presence goes down like news of tuma.

The girl feeling intimidated starts to shout,
and the bouncers cross the room to kick somebody out,
yet his face still shows a smile but with a shadow of a doubt
appearing in his eyes and at the corners of his mouth.

So he's going home alone again to a four-pack and some porn,
to relieve his long term suffering of a constant raging horn
and lets hope for the sake of women that when it comes to morn,
he'll rethink his desperation so he can no longer be forlorn.

Call Centre

Now I've done my degree it's all down to me,
to aspire to the top of a company
that employ hard workers with good communications,
motivated and patient with good customer relations
I really cant wait to get my own phone station,
and telephone the innocent to push my information.

good afternoon my names Miss Give-a-fuck Smith, I'm calling on behalf of long shore drift,
I'd in fact rather be throwing myself off a cliff,
than establishing fake rapport with a stranger, like a biff
and i know it will result in an eventual tiff
between myself and the victim who I've been chatting with.

but for the rate of pay and the varied hours per day
and the ability to find a way of getting trashed with no delay
when the clock strikes nine when the phone room knows it's time
to hang up on the line, have a good stretch of your spine
and go home to the two bottles of cheap red wine.

What? there's nothing wrong with two for a five!

"Miss Smith we'd like a word, Sorry I don't know if you've heard,
but the targets that we've set are only met by a third
of the people we employ, and we dont like to annoy
but your performance is rather coy and the phone is not a toy,
and we know we've already said it, but we need more direct debits
from the customers you phone
to inform them of our drone,
in their own home,
during their quality time alone
so please pick up your pace, remember that it's a race
between everyone in this space,
so up your contact rate...or we'll rearrange your face.

Im so glad I went to uni and have got the skills that I need,
to take up the opportunities that the UK offers me
So now I've done my degree it's all down to me,
to aspire to the top of a company
that employ hard workers with good communications,
motivated and patient with good customer relations.

I might go in on Monday and run around naked just to give the poor workers a bit of variation
and to distress the managers 'til they're in their boots, shaking.

...and maybe it will be a revolution in the making.